Sometimes I have a cast around and discover I ‘have no resentments’. That may be the case, in the sense of grinding grievances that are preoccupying me.
That’s not the point, though. The magnitude of the error in one’s thinking is not measured by the magnitude of the resultant emotion. The point of the resentment inventory, sure, is to get rid of resentment. But the great side benefit of the resentment inventory is its ability to reveal pathways from the surface (emotion) to the underlying defects of belief and thinking, which are the source of all one’s problems.
To quote Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions on the subject of Step Eight:
“Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism, no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one. Calm, thoughtful reflection upon personal relations can deepen our insight. We can go far beyond those things which were superficially wrong with us, to see those flaws which were basic, flaws which sometimes were responsible for the whole pattern of our lives. Thoroughness, we have found, will pay—and pay handsomely.”
To quote something else:
“There are no small upsets. They are all equally disturbing to my peace of mind.”
Unless one has a Christlike equanimity to all phenomena crossing the mental screen (which I have not), unless one has genuinely eliminated all emotion (which I have not: and this would not even be desirable), there is always plenty of material to work with.
How does one arrive at a good list of names?
Well, I start by understanding that I am feeling things all day, unless I am presently drugged, dissociated, deluded, dishonest, or dead. There are no neutral thoughts:
“Besides your recognizing that thoughts are never idle, salvation requires that you also recognize that every thought you have brings either peace or war; either love or fear. A neutral result is impossible because a neutral thought is impossible. There is such a temptation to dismiss fear thoughts as unimportant, trivial and not worth bothering about that it is essential you recognize them all as equally destructive, but equally unreal. We will practice this idea in many forms before you really understand it.”
All day long, little feelings, as well as big ones, are flickering across the screen. The strength of the tremor, as it is felt, has got nothing to do with the size of the earthquake or the tectonic plates moving below the earth’s surface: distance from the epicentre is the key parameter in determining the strength of the tremor. Feelings. What feelings am I actually having? And what are the phenomena (people, institutions, principles, groups, categories, thoughts, ideas) triggering them?
Any negative feeling. Any negative judgement. Any flicker of the arrow on the dial.
Here’s the exercise I use:
I watch the emotions. I watch out for:
- Any negative emotion
- Any negative judgement
- Any fear
- Any aversion
- Any exasperation
- Any disappointment
- Any incredulity
- Any blank dread
- Any sour resignation
... and increase the list to include one’s own personal list of go-to negative conditions.
Whenever such a feeling arises, I immediately write down the person and the thing they said or did, or the institution or organisation and what it said or did, or the principle (idea, concept, ideological position) that irked.
No matter that the smarmy little super-ego, so spiritual, swiftly swoops into rationalise or spiritualise away the emotion. Let’s catch the blighter before it’s stamped out, expelled, or pushed down. Pin it. Then, by all means, say a little prayer and return to being nice.
I can always benefit from a resentment inventory. It does not need to take long, with some practice, and the rewards are immense.