“The Steps are like a medicine which many of us won’t bother to take, although we know they can heal us of the sickness of despair, frustration, resentment and self-pity. Why is this? It may be we have a deep-rooted desire for martyrdom. Consciously we think we want help, but some dark and hidden sense of guilt makes us crave punishment more than we want relief from our ills. … No one really needs to suffer unhappiness and discontent or be deprived of the good things of life. We can find the way out by daily study of the Twelve Steps.” (ODAT, 5 April)
Whatever result I’m getting from life is, consciously or unconsciously, the result of what I am working towards. If I sow resentment (with plans, designs, schemes, wishes, dreams, demands, and expectations), I will reap resentment. If I sow fear (with reliance on uncertain outcomes), I will reap fear. If I sow guilt (by mentally judging, condemning, and attacking others and by seeking to use, outdo, outmanoeuvre, shunt aside, override, manipulate, control, and punish others), I will reap guilt. If am reaping resentment, fear, and guilt, that’s what I’m sowing. I’m sowing it because there is a perverse satisfaction: I have no responsibility and I’m centre-stage in the drama. No one else can be sowing for me, because no one else has access to the soil. If I am suffering apparently as the direct result of others’ actions, I can ask: Who invited them into my life? To the extent I was born into the situation, the questions are adjusted: Why are they still in my life? How can I discharge my moral obligations to my family without being embroiled, entangled, and snarled up?
I came to Al-Anon a victim of my circumstances. Al-Anon’s surrender to God, moral inventory, confession, amends, and life on a basis of serving God not self have replaced victimhood with victory.