Sometimes I want to act out. The precise nature of the
behaviour is irrelevant. Most people in recovery act out in some way or other.
We can define acting out as engaging in behaviour that shuts down our other
feelings through numbing or excitement, but with consequences that ultimately
make the feelings worse.
When presented with the choice of acting out or not acting
out, it can seem that the choice is between being trapped in an airless room
(not acting out) or wandering in a largely barren landscape (acting out). The
former is more frightening, because there is (apparently) no freedom and no
hope—at least the barren landscape seems to offer choice and possibility.
I have learned that if I can ask God’s strength to remain in
the airless room, the walls actually dissolve, and rich reality floods in. Over
time and with work on the Steps, I stop finding myself trapped in the airless
room.
By contrast, the barren landscape can go on forever, and the
longer I spend there, the harder it is to leave and the greater the temptation
to return.