All quotations are from Chapter 8. You'll have to find the page numbers yourself, but the sections are arranged in the order that the first element of each section appears in the chapter. Some sections collate quotations on a topic from throughout the chapter.
Disregard pronouns; look at the substance
With few exceptions, our book thus far has spoken of men.
But what we have said applies quite as much to women.
For ‘wives’ read ‘anyone linked to an alcoholic'
What they say will apply to nearly everyone bound by ties of
blood or affection to an alcoholic.
Control doesn’t work, whether you’re nice or mean
We have been unselfish and self-sacrificing. We have told
innumerable lies to protect our pride and our husbands’ reputations. We have
prayed, we have begged, we have been patient. We have struck out viciously. We
have run away. We have been hysterical. We have been terror stricken. We have
sought sympathy. We have had retaliatory love affairs with other men.
Self distorts perceptions
Perhaps your husband has been living in that strange world
of alcoholism where everything is distorted and exaggerated.
Understanding not condemnation
Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband no matter what he
says or does. He is just another very sick, unreasonable person. Treat him,
when you can, as though he had pneumonia. When he angers you, remember that he
is very ill.
Don't hesitate to boot
There is an important exception to the foregoing. We realize some men are thoroughly bad-intentioned, that no amount of patience will make any difference. An alcoholic of this temperament may be quick to use this chapter as a club over your head. Don’t let him get away with it. If you are positive he is one of this type you may feel you had better leave. Is it right to let him ruin your life and the lives of your children?
Powerless not helpless
Especially when he
has before him a way to stop his drinking and abuse if he really wants to pay
the price.
The categories of alcoholics
One: Your husband may be only a heavy drinker. His drinking
may be constant or it may be heavy only on certain occasions. … Some will
moderate or stop altogether, and some will not. Of those who keep on, a good
number will become true alcoholics after a while.
Two: Your husband is showing lack of control, for he is
unable to stay on the water wagon even when he wants to. He often gets entirely
out of hand when drinking. … These are the earmarks of a real alcoholic.
Three: This husband has gone much further than husband
number two. … His friends have slipped away, his home is a near-wreck and he
cannot hold a position.
Four: … He has been placed in one institution after another.
He is violent, or appears definitely insane when drunk.
Never lose balance
The first principle of success is that you should never be
angry. … Patience and good temper are most necessary.
Leave them alone
Our next thought is that you should never tell him what he
must do about his drinking. If he gets the idea that you are a nag or a
killjoy, your chance of accomplishing anything useful may be zero.
Do not set your heart on reforming your husband. You may be unable to do so, no matter how hard you try.
If he is lukewarm or thinks he is not an alcoholic, we suggest you leave him alone. Avoid urging him to follow our program. The seed has been planted in his mind.
Again, you should not crowd him. Let him decide for himself. Cheerfully see him through more sprees.
We never, never try to arrange a man’s life so as to shield him from temptation. The slightest disposition on your part to guide his appointments or his affairs so he will not be tempted will be noticed. Make him feel absolutely free to come and go as he likes.
To recover, they need to hit bottom
You would suppose that men in the fourth classification would be quite hopeless, but that is not so. Many of Alcoholics Anonymous were like that. Everybody had given them up. Defeat seemed certain. Yet often such men had spectacular and powerful recoveries. … Since this book was first published, A.A. has released thousands of alcoholics from asylums and hospitals of every kind. The majority have never returned. The power of God goes deep!
Happiness is from within
It is possible to have a full and useful life, though your husband continues to drink. We know women who are unafraid, even happy under these conditions.
Difficulties are blessings
This experience may come to you. Or you may already have had it several times. Should it happen again, regard it in a different light. Maybe it will prove a blessing! It may convince your husband he wants to stop drinking forever. And now you know that he can stop if he will! Time after time, this apparent calamity has been a boon to us, for it opened up a path which led to the discovery of God.
You will make mistakes, but if you are in earnest they will not drag you down. Instead, you will capitalize them. A better way of life will emerge when they are overcome.
All problems can be solved
If God can solve the age-old riddle of alcoholism, He can
solve your problems too.
... but not overnight
Many of the old problems will still be with you. This is as it should be.
Expect challenges
In spite of your new-found happiness, there will be ups and downs.
Handling disagreement
Some of the snags you will encounter are irritation, hurt
feelings and resentments. Your husband will sometimes be unreasonable and you
will want to criticize. Starting from a speck on the domestic horizon, great
thunderclouds of dispute may gather. … We do not mean that you have to agree
with your husband whenever there is an honest difference of opinion. Just be
careful not to disagree in a resentful or critical spirit.
Handling argument
Next time you and he have a heated discussion, no matter
what the subject, it should be the privilege of either to smile and say, “This
is getting serious. I’m sorry I got disturbed. Let’s talk about it later.”
Don't expect quick change
Yet you must not expect too much. His ways of thinking and
doing are the habits of years.
Change the world through example
Patience, tolerance, understanding and love are the
watchwords. Show him these things in yourself and they will be reflected back to
you from him. Live and let live is the rule. If you both show a willingness to
remedy your own defects, there will be little need to criticize each other.
Dropping wishes
We women carry with us a picture of the ideal man, the sort
of chap we would like our husbands to be. It is the most natural thing in the
world, once his liquor problem is solved, to feel that he will now measure up
to that cherished vision. The chances are he will not for, like yourself, he is
just beginning his development. Be patient.
'Thanks' not 'grrr'
When resentful thoughts come, try to pause and count your
blessings. After all, your family is reunited, alcohol is no longer a problem
and you and your husband are working together toward an undreamed-of future.
Take an interest
Therefore, you probably need fresh interests and a great
cause to live for as much as your husband.
We've got a job to do
Both of you will awaken to a new sense of responsibility for
others. You, as well as your husband, ought to think of what you can put into
life instead of how much you can take out. Inevitably your lives will be fuller
for doing so.
Slips come from spiritual failing only
Though it is infinitely better that he have no relapse at
all, as has been true with many of our men, it is by no means a bad thing in
some cases. Your husband will see at once that he must redouble his spiritual
activities if he expects to survive. You need not remind him of his spiritual
deficiency—he will know of it. Cheer him up and ask him how you can be still
more helpful.
If he gets drunk, don’t blame yourself. God has either removed your husband’s liquor problem or He has not. If not, it had better be found out right away. Then you and your husband can get right down to fundamentals. If a repetition is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God’s hands.